We all get some heritages of reactions from our parents.
The way we see our parents converts to the patterns of behaviors and the way of our reality of interpreting how life is.
Then we realize that these patterns are there and making us uncomfortable. We realize that it is not our responses to situations but learned reactions.
First, we simply become aware, and intending to be present, we start to change them. We teach ourselves again with patience and compassion to respond with love instead of reacting with fear.
It is a long journey. One step at a time.
It is slow and requiring patience and compassion again and again. The secret is the more present we are to each situation, the more we can get rid of behaving as reactions and instead chose responsibly to respond.
How to behave once you are feeling anger is what I have learned from my father
I am observing myself with curiosity about how much I look like my father. At the same time, I am discovering that those reactions of my father that were triggering me were simply reflecting my shadows that I was not owning.
My father was a kind person. He was mostly calm and smiling. A big hearth kind of person. Then there were moments, such as he was hungry, that suddenly a monster was coming from inside. He was reacting and suddenly shouting.
It was so weird observing both sides as a little kid. He was so kind and so compassionate and then suddenly shouting about an issue that was not making any sense to me.
Then I grow up and I began to see inside me ‘my father’s way.
For a long time, I did not have any idea what to do with it. I was a calm person, compassionate, loving and suddenly as something was pressing on my nerves and I was shouting, and a monster was coming up. The dance of 2 extremes.
With my kids around me, this situation became even more tiring. Each time the monster was showing up, just after that, I was feeling ashamed and attacking myself and then attacking others.
Then the journey started. The journey of meeting with my anger and creating a relationship with it.
In this journey, The Guest House poem of Rumi, guided me a lot.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
— Jalaluddin Rumi, translation by Coleman Barks (The Essential Rumi)
Since I became aware of my anger and I invited him to the best place in my living room as a guest many things changed.
We started to create a relationship with my anger slowly, where he whispered to me the secrets of the reasons for his appearance-which were my deeper needs that I was simply avoiding.
With the guidance of the book, Recovery of Your Inner Child, by Lucia Capacchione, I worked with my anger.
I have prepared an emergency kit together with my kid.
This emergency kit had a mask of the anger monster painted by me and my kid (the painting on the right of the image showed with a mark) and a strong wooden stick we found in the forest.
Each time that we were angry and just unable to calm down, we were wearing the mask and getting the stick and hit to our sofa with it.
With the guidance of the book of the Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford, I deepened my conversation with my anger. My anger became a person for me, and we started to have deeper conversations with it.
Sitting in silence and observing without attachment also served me a lot.
What I have learned is this emotion of anger is not who I am.
It is a messenger coming to visit me. I am a guest house in this body, the container.
If I can slow down and be present, then with the awareness of being a guest house, instead of avoiding this feeling, I can welcome it.
I can start a conversation and learn what I need to learn.
Moving my body-doing sports and dancing is helping me a lot to get out that stock energy from my body whenever anger is coming to give its message to me.
Singing afterward is letting me free as always.
I am aware that it is a long journey, a journey that will never end maybe. One step at a time.
Yesterday I was driving in the car and my kids were fighting in the back seat and I began to shout as a reaction instead of responding.
My kid Luna (4 years old) yelled me back saying “I do not like at all when you shout me”, I realized that I was not serving as a guest house at that time. My anger took the control, he was behaving like the owner of my house which is an illusion.
Even this phase of her made me feel ok. I am not that scary. Still, with this anger monster, she feels the freedom to say that she does not like at all my way of reaction.
I am aware that it is a long journey, a journey that will never end maybe. One step at a time. The secret is living life slowly, being present as much as possible.
Being present when I drive the car, being present when I prepare the meal, being present when I do what makes my soul happy. This is one of the reasons that I am creating the ‘My Sacred Space’ brand maybe. Therefore, I am creating our products. Every object can serve as an invitation to a ritual, an invitation to slow down.
What about you? Do you have any conversations with your anger? When you are angry are you reacting or responding? What are your ways to help you to choose to respond instead of reacting?